music

I never realized how much I missed listening to music until after I went to the wedding this weekend. Now, after my withdrawal, I have gone full swing listening to Indian music again: specifically Tamil music. Every time I start to listen to it again, I am always pleasantly surprised by how melodious it is/and how poetic it is.
Right now: I am having throwbacks to the days of Alaipayuthay. (Hindi- Saathiya)...those songs by AR can never go out of style.
Kadhal Sadagudu.

Woodahoo.

irritated

I hate the feeling of not being content. It is one of the itchiest feelings in the world besides your allergic reactions. It leaves a weird feeling to the heart. (Probably due to the elevated cortisol that your adrenal glands are giving off that increase your heart rate). But the feeling makes me always needing to do something or be somewhere I am not in the present moment, which in itself increases more of my cortisol because my internal philosophy is to live for the moments. For example I was telling someone yesterday: During the wedding this weekend I couldn’t wait to be done with it and go to clinicals, during clinicals I couldn’t wait for it to be done and to go back to my dorm, when I am at school, I cant wait to go home. When I am at home, I cant wait to go back to school. And the cycle is endless. See it bothers me because it makes me realize that I am not enjoying myself in the present. I am only enjoying myself in two dimensions of time: past and future. I want to be able to be a three dimensional figure and not just to you. Not a an illusion where you put on special glasses and see me as an optical illusion, but as a genuine person in all my actions. But to be quite honest, it is hard to be honest. It is hard to be honest when what we value in society is not what we teach, but the hypocrisy of our actions. For example, when I was taking an assessment online for a job (you know- the one where you have to rate your personality on a scale of 1-4 and also your skills) I was told by some friends to put “close to right” answer. Now, to me, personally, when I would see a “perfect” score, instincts would tell me not to trust it. Nobody is perfect. But to be valued upon what is seeming over what is real, boggles my mind.
I came to see that in the end of all this, I will continue to be this way. Maybe it is my personality trait. I know I am a hypocrite in all means, and I always admit to that. I guess I am bothered by the fact that oil has much more worth over the sustenenance of water.